Work Hard, Play Hard

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 168 lbs
Loss last week: ?
Total Loss: ?
Thoughts: Too busy having a blast!

Weekend Review

Thursday

- Cooked under florescent lights while putting in a good eight hours of work
- Hit the gym for a 5K and weight training before arriving fashionably late to a work-related marathon fundraiser
- Ate two oatmeal chocolate chip organic cookies for dinner before said event due to poor lunchtime decisions
- Successfully slayed the Free Appetizers and Pizza Dragon upon entering venue with a single blow
- Unsuccessfully upheld two vodka soda maximum and instead obliterated calorie goal by 450 units
- Socialized like someone with actual social skills and loved every minute of it (!!)

Friday
- Woke up intoxicated from previous night’s escapades
- Dressed slowly and carefully to avoid falling over and knocking self out cold on corner of dresser
- Somehow managed to complete a crap load of work teetering between nausea and poopy alcohol belly
- Sobered up in time for a brutal but essential sixty minutes on the treadmill
- Survived commute home and kissed hallway floor upon arrival
- Enjoyed an evening of Super Mario Bros. with Chris before crashing and burning around 1am

Saturday
- Woke up far too early for own good
- Watched an episode of Project Runway before heading to Costco with The Girl to get tire repaired
- Offset a two-hour wait time with good choices at Panera Bread and retail therapy at Old Navy
- Successfully fit into size 12 jeans (yowza!) and mourned the loss of another cup size (fucker!)
- Eventually made it home only to immediately change into workout clothes and head to gym
- Completed 10K with flying colors
- Returned home, showered, whipped up a delish dindin, and headed north for a birthday gathering with friends
- Mingled with the vodka yet again, but did not get plastered (whew!)
- Finally fell asleep at 5am

Sunday
- Woke up at 9a and enjoyed a terribly yummy egg white and cheese sammy at an amazing small-town eatery
- Returned home and tended to some freelance
- Quickly grew tired of freelancing and decided to invite Chris over for additional Super Mario Bros. game play
- Ordered low-fat sugar-free vanilla frozen yogurt with Grape Nuts and swooned when it arrived at front door
- Copped out on blog entry due to being too tired to form complete sentences

1. Sporting those size 12′s!
2. Quick and yummy meal consisting of spinach, pinto beans, chipotle salsa, and shrimp

Clean Socks

I had a dream last night that I was at some multipurpose Panera Bread/Laundomat deal with The Girl. She was doing laundry and I was ordering something to snack on — a vanilla soft serve cone with Oreo topping for her (even though she hates Oreos) and something for myself. I can’t recall what I attempted to order, but whatever it was, they didn’t have any left. I opted for nothing, but changed my mind at the last second and decided to get a soft serve vanilla cone as well (sans Oreos).

The lady hands me a Root Beer float.

‘Excuse me. I ordered a vanilla soft serve cone, not a Root Beer float…’

‘Oh.’

Even though she was visibly annoyed, she went back to the drawing board, made me a cone, and set it on the counter while I dug through my coat looking for some spare change. When I looked up, the cone was gone.

‘Where is my cone?!’

‘That guy over there took it…’

‘Okay, well, I’d still like my cone.’

‘Sorry, I can’t do that.’

‘What? I ordered and paid for a cone. I want my cone.’

‘I’m sorry miss, but it’s out of my hands. That gentleman over there took it and there is nothing I can do.’

‘I WANT MY GOD DAMN VANILLA SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM CONE AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!’

All of the sudden, I became consumed with rage. Seriously. I was tipping the scales toward homicidal over some ice cream cone I ordered at the last possible minute and that I didn’t even really want.

‘LISTEN. I WANT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE. I DON’T CARE IF I PAID TEN CENTS OR TEN DOLLARS FOR IT. I PAID FOR IT. YOU OWE ME IT. NOW HAND IT OVER!!!!’

As I screamed on for what seemed like an eternity over the loss of my cone, I thought to myself, ‘Thank God I’m not huge anymore. Otherwise, I would look like some crazy lunatic looking for my fatty fix when really… it’s the principle!’

After ten minutes of delivering verbal abuse to the masses, The Girl and I ran outside and made it to our car just as people began pouring out of the building with tubs of ice cream in tow. Next thing I knew, our car was being assaulted with chunks of the creamy stuff.

This infuriated me.

‘They couldn’t bare to spare an extra glob of soft serve, but it’s perfectly sensible for them to chuck chunks of ice cream across the parking lot at us? WHAT THE EFFING EFF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!’

As The Girl peeled away from the scene, I sunk into the passenger seat and started to regain my composure. We drove into the sunset for a few minutes before pulling up to our final destination: THE SAME DAMN PANERA/LAUNDROMAT!

‘Um, why did you bring us here?’ I asked The Girl.

‘Because I need clean socks!’

Really?

Options = Headache

I am now the proud member of two (yes, two) gyms. Why the dual membership? I no longer have access to a gym directly from work because Janice has decided to cancel her FitCorp/Sheraton combo since 1. she no longer swims during her lunch break and thus, no longer needs access and 2. they keep deactivating her pass at the beginning of every month. She is usually able to track down a working card within a few days, but this month has been atrocious. They finally gave her a card on Monday — just one week before the end of January. Who does that?!

Needless to say, she’s had enough and I can’t blame her. $30 is a lot to pay (on top of her FitCorp membership) for access to a pool she never uses and a headache that seems to be getting worse with every passing month. Plus, out of the five people in our department who committed to using and subsidizing her Sheraton pass, I was the only person who actually paid my $5 every month. Pretty crappy.

Wait. If Janice’s pass hasn’t been working, where have you been working out after work?

Good question. Any time Janice’s pass died, I headed over to the Sheraton and stood by the door until someone let me in. It was pretty shady, but it wasn’t a big deal since it wasn’t an every day thing. Until this month! When it became an every day thing! Yep. I’ve been going down to the Sheraton after work every day and standing by the door until someone let me in (usually within 5-15 minutes). I’ve been able to justify doing such a ridiculous thing because I really dig my schedule and I was paying (in some capacity) to use the facilities.

It was fun while it lasted (especially since I was often the only person in the fitness room — something totally unheard at any neighborhood gym), but I’m OK with paying another $39/mo on top of the $10/mo I currently dish out to Planet Fitness for access to a gym I can use during/after work. My only worry is not being able to secure a treadmill due to the ‘after work’ crowd. I might head out of the office a few minutes before 5pm to get a head start on those bitches. If crowding becomes an issue, I will be forced to consider my other options:

- Hit Planet Fitness before work. In order to do this, I would have to be at the gym for 5:15a and be home by 6:30a to give myself enough time to get ready, walk to the train station/ride the train/walk to work for 8a. I’m 99% sure I’d be a zombie by the time noon rolled around and 100% sure I’d be comatose once 5pm hit.

- Change my work hours from 8a-5p to 9a-6p so that I can get in an extra hour of sleep before hitting Planet Fitness before work. Instead of being at the gym for 5:15a, I would need to be there for 6:15a and so on.

- Go home directly after work and battle the after work crowd at Planet Fitness. Seems pointless when I can just battle the same damn crowd at FitCorp, meet The Girl afterward/after she gets off work, and ride the train home together.

- Hit Planet Fitness from 8p-9p just after the crowd has gone home to enjoy the rest of their evening. This used to be my ‘normal schedule’, but I switched things up a while ago to be more accessible during the week/evenings. Switching back to this schedule would be a desperate ‘last resort’ scenario.

I will be finishing the week out at the Sheraton and then it’s off to FitCorp!

Until the weather gets better.

Then I might start training outside.

Oh, options. You make my brain hurt.

Getting My Bearings

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 168 lbs
Loss last week: -4 lbs
Total Loss: 103 lbs
Thoughts: Operation Increase = promising!

The Bod Pod

3…2…1….BLAST OFF! That’s the first thing that came to mind yesterday as The Girl, Cassie, and I all stepped up to the Bod Pod to have our body composition tested. It looked like something straight out of a science fiction movie and was pretty neat in general. After weighing in on a scale hooked up to a computer running what looked like MS-DOS (really?), I jumped into the Pod and was immediately assaulted with a series of pressure changes for a total of ninety seconds. And that was about it. It was — by far — the quickest $30 I’ve ever spent. It was worth every penny. My results:

Fat Weight: 46.5 lbs
Lean Weight: 121 lbs
Total Weight: 167.5 lbs
Percent Fat: 27.8%
Percent Lean: 72.2%

What do these numbers mean?

- My body is comprised of 46.5 lbs of fat and 121 lbs of bones, muscle, skin, and organs.
- My body fat percentage is considered ‘acceptable’ according to the American Council of Exercise.
- My suspicions have been confirmed. I am, in-fact, a Mini Rambo in Disguise.

Sort of.

Does my lean body weight mean I am totally ripped with muscle? If you’ve seen me trying to do shoulder presses, you’d know just how ridiculous this assumption is. I will be the first person to admit that I don’t do much strength training for two reasons: 1. it bores the hell out of me and 2. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I think it’s safe to say that much of my lean body weight has to do with sporting a higher bone density and a larger frame and less to do with muscle mass.

To be honest, I have always felt that I weighed much more than I actually looked — especially when I was a young athlete playing a butt-load of sports. I spent much of my middle school and high school years feeling extremely self-conscious about my weight because I weighed as much as thirty pounds more than my friends. Even though I was built like a brick shit house, I hated myself, my body, and the number on that scale. Oh, what a young, uneducated, and tortured soul I was.

Was?

I’m pretty sure I fell into this category last week when I was bitching about Cassie’s incredible weight-loss numbers. If these test results don’t completely extinguish the urge to compare myself to others then nothing will. Her weight-loss numbers, calorie goals, and goal weight will and should differ from mine because our bodies are different — just like my weight-loss numbers, calorie goals, and goal weight may differ from yours. It seems like a logical concept that should come easily, but to be honest, it’s way too convenient to look at what other people are doing in similar situations, make sweeping generalizations, and then try to apply their results and/or methods to your situation without considering the myriad of variables hidden beneath it all. I don’t know how many times I need to remind myself, but I’ll do it again: the road to weight loss is a deeply personal and deeply individualized journey.

‘Tunnel vision’ is a side-effect most of us will experience at some point thanks to the many misconceptions, misinformation, and plethora of stigmata surrounding weight-loss. I am no different. Did you know that the ‘ideal body weight’ for someone of my gender and height is 118-120 pounds? These ‘one size fits all’ ideals crafted by a bunch of suits and medical persona can wreck some serious havoc on the psyche of individuals that fall just outside of the ‘norm’. It would be totally impossible for me to hit that number without killing myself in the process, yet, I allowed that number to slowly pop up on my radar. With the help of the Bod Pod, I am confident that my ‘Final Resting Range’ of 145-150lbs is a healthy goal for me. I can finally loosen my asshole a bit and take a chill pill now that I have a better understanding of what lies beneath.

And that’s what I plan to do.

In terms of moving forward, I’d like to get my body fat percentage down to 18-20% which will likely happen naturally as I begin to train for my half marathon next month. Since I almost failed Algebra II as a senior in high school (after failing as a junior) and barely passed Dip-Shit Math in college, I had The Girl run some numbers to figure out how much body fat I need to lose in order to hit that 18% goal. The result? In order to hit 18%, I will need to lose 20 more pounds of body fat. That sounds pretty straight forward, but I’m not sure how measurable my progress will be since the scale cannot distinguish between fat loss/muscle gain.

At this point, it’s safe to say that I’m fine with a little mystery.

Perfect 10 Update

Skate More – FAIL. I did not skate again last week (or today!). I did, however, beg my sister via text to set aside some time in her busy schedule to hit some Stick Practice in the near future. Hopefully it’ll come through.

Lose More Weight – WIN. I think it’s safe to say that part of this week’s big loss was residual (aka highly unlikely that I created a 14,000 calorie deficit over the last seven days), but hey, a loss is a loss!

Cook More – WIN. I’ve been easing into the cooking scene thanks to Operation Increase. Instead of microwaved burritos and tuna wraps for lunch, I’ve been creating some interesting concoctions. My favorite meal thus far was created by mixing 1.5 cups of Trader Joe’s Mac & Cheese, 2 cups of Trader Joe’s Organic Vegetable Medley, and 4 ounces of Trader Joe’s tuna. OK, I cooked the whole thing in the microwave, but it was delicious and seriously out of my Lunchfort Zone.

Draw More – As soon as I am done this blog entry (and play some Super Mario Bros. with Chris), I am drawing. Mark my words!

Keep Running – I was back on the treadmill Wednesday after giving my knees some much needed R&R last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I kept the workout light on Monday by completing a quick 5K at home on the elliptical. I stuck to my schedule Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and enjoyed a nice 6.6-mile jog around the neighborhood yesterday. My knees were a bit creaky this morning, but not enough to throw up a red flag.

Something You May Not Know About Me – I pick my nose. Daily. And maybe even hourly.

1. The Girl about to take the Pod for a spin
2. The Girl trying to keep a straight face when I got paparazzi on her ass
3. Me wearing nothing but a bra, biking shorts, a stone cold expression

Operation Increase

Today is day three of Operation Increase and I’m enjoying every minute of it. I’m eating a ton more veggies, a ton more fruit, and! I even added a slice of yummy aged Swiss to my sandwich on Wednesday. I can’t even remember the last time I enjoyed a sandwich with cheese. Such blasphemy fell out of practice when I started to use those precious calories toward a quick snack before and/or after my workouts. Now? I can do both!

Will the scale be kind to me on Sunday?

It’s anyone’s guess, really.

Either way, I am committed to testing the waters for at least 2-3 weeks before reassessing. If I gain weight? I’ll take it off. If I lose weight? I’ll stay the course. Until I find out whre I stand, I’m adding this Holy Cheese to everything!

Calories

It has been decided.

I am going to increase my calories. This seems totally counter-productive and counter-intuitive, but I am open to trying it for 2-3 weeks and reassessing once I have some data to consider. According to my BodyMedia Fit (aka GoWear Fit), I burned an average of 2810 calories per day in December (includes exercise) and consumed an average of 1653 calories per day (or 1818 calories with a 10% buffer) which comes out to be a 2-lb+ loss per week.

Uh, that didn’t happen.

I understand that our bodies cannot be expected to perform exactly ‘by the book’ and produce results according to some mathematical equation. I am OK with that. Really, I am. When it comes down to it, I will continue to exercise and continue to make good food choices because doing so has improved my quality of life beyond measure. Nothing can change that and nothing will. At the same time, I am extremely interested in the ‘numbers’ side of weight-loss. After in ‘calories in versus calories out’, right?

Now that I am edging closer to my ‘Final Resting Range’, I may want to reconsider my approach to weight-loss mainly because that 100-Pound Jackpot of stored energy no longer exists. When my body is running low and looking for an energy supply, it’s simply not going to find one. Instead, I need to provide my body with a constant flow of usable energy by eating enough calories per day. Am I currently eating enough calories? I thought so until I looked at the numbers.

Did you know that I burned (on average) 200-500 calories more per day during the months of November and December compared to July, August, September, and October even though I weighed (as much as) 36 pounds more back then?

Talk about counter-intuitive!

While I haven’t increased the duration of my workouts, I have increased the intensity and am much more active in general now that I am more agile and able. I’ve also probably acquired some decent muscle mass over the past year even though I am still considered ‘obese’ in the eyes of every single on-line BMI calculator. Yes, I am 5’2″ and 171lbs, but how much of that is extra/excess skin? How much is skeletal? How much is muscle?

I want to know.

And that’s why I am currently working with the Athletic Director over at Merrimack College (about 20 min north) to set up Bod Pod screenings for myself, my mother, and Cassie. Am I still a Fatty McButterson or a have I transformed into a Mini Rambo in Disguise? Either way, I am looking forward to stepping into one of the coolest body composition products on the market!

Until then, more calories it is.

Side (but Important!) Note: I don’t normally address the masses, but I need to thank everyone who took the time to leave a comment on my previous blog entry. I thought for sure I would be skinned and burned alive at the stake for crapping my pants over someone else’s success, but to my surprise, I was greeted with much love, support, and above all lots of humor!

Boston’s Other Green Monster

I must confess. I have been swallowed by a sea of envy for the past few weeks and am now just starting to doggy paddle my way to shore. The culprit? My super-awesome weight-loss machine of a friend Cassie. The pounds are literally melting off this girl at an accelerated pace and I cannot deny my jealousy any longer. Despite undergoing gallbladder surgery a few weeks ago, she continues to post losses week after week – including a three-pound loss this past week. She has consistently put my weight-loss numbers to shame every week since beginning her own weight-loss journey at the end of June. To date, she has lost an astonishing 91 pounds.

In just seven months.

While I understand how completely ridiculous it is to compare myself and my efforts to others, I can’t help it — especially when she is surpassing me in every measurable form known to man! Posting shitty inconsistent numbers more often than not is seriously beginning to weigh on me (no pun intended). I really need to get to the bottom of why my numbers are so inconsistent despite my consistency. Am I over-eating? Am I under-eating?

WTFBMRBBQ?

I also made the mistake of agreeing to participate in a small ‘Biggest Loser’ competition Cassie is organizing for some of her family and friends. Instead of the contest providing (what I thought would be) supplementary motivation, it’s stressing me the fuck out and compounding this ludicrous comparison issue like whoa. I probably should have declined the invitation to participate knowing how incredibly competitive I can be, but no.

That would just make too much sense.

Instead of being there for my friend after surgery and cheering her on as she reaches new milestones in her journey, I’ve been sitting here sticking pins into her proverbial voodoo doll. Catching wind of her three-pound loss sent me over the edge yesterday. Enough was enough! I finally told Cassie that even though I was happy for her deep down inside (somewhere? anywhere?), I really just wanted to stab her.

Thankfully, she understood.

Side note: The fact that I have lost 100-ish pounds has not alluded me. Sometimes, you just need to act like an ungrateful two year old before you can truly revel in your accomplishments and reasses your plan before moving forward.

18 Meatballs Later…

Weekly Weigh-In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 172 lbs
Loss last week: +1 lb
Total Loss: 99 lbs

Tra la la. The scale did not tip in my favor this week, but I’m OK with that. I know that there is no way in hell I gained one pound of actual fat this week. I busted my ass in the exercise department Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday before taking Friday and Saturday off to give my knees some time to recuperate after experiencing some minor stiffness and pain. I also made the mile trek to the train station every morning and ran at least 200 errands either during my lunch hour or after work several times last week. Although I obliterated my calorie goal by 300 yesterday (damn you IKEA and your eighteen meatballs of pure sin), I ended the week consuming an average of 1,660 calories per day. That number is a little higher than it should have been, but whatchagonnado?

Now, for a Perfect 10 Update:

Skate More – My friend Chris and I had plans to hit the rink this afternoon, but time got the better of us after running a few errands and cooking breakfast. Chris whipped up his world famous Breakfast Pizza (using whole wheat dough, diced potatoes, asparagus, light mozzarella cheese, turkey sausage, and cage-free egg whites) while The Girl tended to some work and I put together some of our newly purchased IKEA swag. By the time we ate, public skating was nearly over. Ooops.

Lose More Weight – Up a pound this week, but I am quite confident that said increase has nothing to do with the migration of fat molecules to various parts of my body.

Cook More – I cooked today! OK. I boiled a pot of water, threw in some pre-cut squash, strained it, and mixed it with some brown sugar and cinnamon. It was simple, but fucking delicious. I could have easily eaten at least two cups of that sweet nectar but alas, I was forced to share since Chris was nice enough to bake some of his scrumptious crab Rangoon and prepare a heaping helping of Trader Joe’s Mushroom Risotto (ohmygood!) for dinner. Have I mentioned how much I love this guy? The bitch can cook.

Draw More – I haven’t drawn yet, but I did purchase a new sketchbook and drawing pencils while out running errands this morning. I guess you could say I am half-way there.

Keep Running – I started the week off strong but began experiencing discomfort in my knees after my Thursday evening 5K. Friday and Saturday proved to be a snooze-fest without the joy of exercise, but I’m sure it was a good investment. My knees no longer throb when I sit for extended periods of time and did not give me any trouble during or after a six-mile walk to and from Starbucks just a few hours ago. As a matter of fact, as soon as Chris and I got back, I was on the dining room floor wrestling with screws and drawer handles again without a problem. Tomorrow’s 5K will be the true test, but I have high hopes — especially since I purchased a new pair of running shoes yesterday.

Although my ‘old’ shoes were only six months young, I had already put a good 400 miles on them without realizing it. Being a bad-ass is getting seriously expensive, but quality shoes are crucial when your logging a decent amount of miles each week. Ignoring this Golden Rule could be disastrous and I am not willing to take that chance. As soon as I got them home, I decided to compare both sets of shoes. Would I be able to feel the difference between the same exact shoe with 400 miles on it compared to a brand new one? The answer was a resounding yes. I was literally stunned by how busted and beat up my ‘old’ shoes were! It was almost as if the foot sporting my new shoe was being cradled by the hand of God where as the foot sporting my ‘old’ shoe had a piece of Melba Toast strapped to the bottom of it.

Uhhh yeah.

New shoes for the win.

Something You May Not Know About Me – I’m left-handed. And I like crazy hats.

Sunday fun at Michaels!

How Much?

I’ve been experiencing some stiffness in my knees over the past few days and this morning is no different. I wish I could say that I am shocked beyond belief, but I’m not. I’ve really put the pedal to the  metal this week and it shows. Unfortunately, it’s showing in all of the wrong places! I won’t lie. I am somewhat hesitant to ‘dial it down a notch’, but I know that doing so would be the best choice given the circumstances.

What are the circumstances?

- Over the last eleven or so months, I have lost 100 pounds through exercise (90% cardio) and sticking to a weekly calorie goal based on my BMR and GoWear Fit numbers. That leaves me just twenty-one thirty-one pounds from my (newly) proposed ‘goal weight’. Surely I can forfeit a two-pound weight-loss week to allow my body time to heal and recuperate.

- I am not training for anything specific. I have based my current schedule around workouts from the C25K training schedule I followed back in April, the 10K training schedule I followed back in July, the need to include some form of strength training, and my love for distance jogging. I am averaging 20-21 miles per week which isn’t a whole helluva lot (?), but it is when I’m breaking my 5K PB, 5-mile PB, and 10K PB almost every week. If I want to keep the mileage up, I will need to it slow down especially if I want to begin training for a half marathon on February 15th.

- I’ve been making the mile trek to the train station nearly every morning (roughly 80% of the time) despite freezing temperatures. Adding another mile to the mix can’t be helping matters. I’ve gone five for five this week.

What it comes down to is this: I’ve been working my ass off for the past month and a half (34 workouts over the course of 45 days) and although my mind continues to scream ‘RUN BITCH RUN!’ my body is starting to put up a fight of its own. Exercise has been — without a doubt — a huge part of my weight-loss success thus far. Rather than wallowing in self-pity over having to monitor and babysit every fucking morsel that goes into my mouth, I find joy and accomplishment in exercising. It’s what keeps my spirits high on days where I would like nothing more than to tackle a dump-truck carrying thirty tons of mini powered donuts. It illustrates my mental, physical, and emotional strength — aspects of myself that were once distance memories hidden beneath layers of excess fat.

Exercise has become a huge part of my life and I refuse to put myself on the sidelines due to a self-inflicted injury. With that said, I should probably look into toning down my workouts for the next couple of days. Possible cut backs include:

1. Complete my scheduled sixty-minute interval session this evening, take tomorrow off, complete my 10K on Sunday, and resume schedule on Monday
2. Skip tonight’s sixty-minute interval session, complete my scheduled 10K tomorrow, ditch skating on Sunday, and resume schedule on Monday (where Tues = ‘rest’ day)
3. Take both tonight and tomorrow off and resume schedule Sunday (60 mins of skating)
4. Take tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday off, and resume schedule Monday (where Tues = ‘rest’ day)
5. Hit the gym as scheduled, but stay off the treadmill

When it comes down to it, my journey has always been and will always be about about repairing my distorted relationship with food, increasing my fitness levels, and making good choices. I would be an idiot to ignore the fact that my body is signaling for a break (…my knees are actually throbbing).

But, how much rest is enough?

Underwear

Is anyone else having a problem in this department? I mean, honestly. Why bother losing a bunch of weight if doing so banishes you to a life of wedgies? I’m at the point where every brand and every cut leaves me with the same cardboard-between-the-crack feeling. Walking up the stairs? Cardboard. Sitting down? Cardboard. Standing still? Cardboard. Treadmill? More along the lines of an Indian Sunburn, but I digress.

Am I doing something wrong here? Are there additional instructions I must be aware of now that I am no longer trying to stick a 271-pound ass into a small cotton sling? Is there some sort of dance or ritual I must perform before pulling up my drawers? If there is, I need to know about it.

STAT.