Change & New Challenges

The last two weeks have been chalk-full of awesome choices, bruises from stick practice, and a 4-lb loss. Unfortunately, I’ve also spent the last fourteen days buried under piles of work due to an incapacitated co-worker. Her absence has been seriously detrimental to my mental capacity and erased all opportunity to blog from the comfort of my desk. Just because I haven’t had the chance to blog lately doesn’t mean I’ve been face-down in a vat of nacho cheese or practicing for the Summer Couch Olympics.

Quite the contrary.

In fact, as of today, I am officially training for a half marathon!

I will be scaling back my workouts for the first few weeks as I begin Hal Hidgon’s 12-week novice training program. Perhaps starting from Week One will allow my body to recover from the rigid schedule I have been following for the better part of two months. This week’s long run will top out at just 4 miles — a long way from those 10 miles I jogged two weeks ago. Part of me feels like starting from Week One might be a setback (I’ve technically been training at Week 9-standards for the past month without realizing), but let’s face it: I need to step out of my comfort zone and introduce cross-training and more strength training into my regimen. Hal’s training program should provide me with the structure I need, but also give me time to adjust.

Old Schedule:
Monday – 5K Run  + Strength
Tuesday – Rest
Wednesday – Run (Intervals)
Thursday – 5K Run + Strength
Friday – Run (Intervals)
Saturday – Long Run
Sunday  Rest

New Schedule:
Monday – Yoga + Stretch
Tuesday – Run + Free Weights
Wednesday – Yoga  + Cross-train
Thursday – Run + Free Weights
Friday – Rest
Saturday – Long Run
Sunday – Yoga + Cross-train

It’s no secret that I’ve been slacking on the strength-side the fitness coin since the beginning of my journey. Overall, I’d say that 85%-90% of my workouts within the last year have been deeply rooted in cardio. I haven’t spent much time or energy educating myself about the importance of strength training because my focus has been on high-calorie burns and increasing my weekly mileage. What started out as a quick way to burn an ass-ton of calories in a relatively short period of time soon turned into a passion and before I knew it, I was running five days per week.

And loving it.

When it comes down to it, I know I can go the distance, but I don’t want to stop there. I want to push myself. I want to challenge myself. I want to become a well-rounded athlete. I want to become a better runner. And I want to get rid of these God-forsaken bat wings! For now, I will be supplementing my training efforts with JM’s Yoga Meltdown. I haven’t dabbled much in the fitness DVD arena, but I’m willing to give it a shot. After all, it seems like an easy and cost-effective way to introduce structured and a highly accessible strength training routine into my already jam-packed schedule.

We’ll see.

Also: I’m officially switching to bi-weekly weigh-ins now that the Biggest Loser competition is over. In the end, I lost 4.98% of my body weight and walked away in 5th place. 5% is nothing to scoff at considering the fact that I am just nineteen pounds from hitting the lower end of my ‘goal range’. Although I didn’t intend to win, I am not at all surprised that Cassie’s victory put an end to our friendship.

And resulted in a restraining order.

It’s for the best, really.

1. Nummy seafood salad with grilled shrimp, scallops, grilled calamari, and an assortment of veggies.
2. The Girl’s idea of a delicious dinner proving that opposites do attract.
3. A direct result of an impromptu hockey scrimmage sans equipment.
4. Taking ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos remains an awkward, yet hilarious experience.
5. Looking short and beefy as I attempt to retrieve my disc-gone-astray. Epic bridge!

Don’t Ask

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 164 lbs
Loss last week: -4
Total Loss: 107 lbs
Thoughts: Apparently the scale does accept bribes.

In-depth blog post to follow.

At some point!

Going the Extra Mile

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 168 lbs
Loss last week: +1
Total Loss: 103 lbs

Squeaking by with a mere one pound gain after consuming around 2,250 calories per day for the last week is a win in my book! According to my GoWearFit, I still managed to create a small calorie deficit each day – meaning I shouldn’t have gained a thing — but at this point, it could be anything. Like the sodium from the pizza I ate last night or the fact that I jogged ten miles yesterday afternoon.

Yep.

I jogged ten consecutive miles yesterday just for the hell of it. There have been many times where I have felt like I could go on ‘forever’ after logging a 5-mile jog or a 10K, but never followed through. I especially felt that way last week when I set out on a 5.2-mile course through my neighborhood before hitting the town with the Usual Suspects. I bumped the mileage up to a full 10K just as the sun began to set. ‘If I had more time,’ I thought to myself, ‘I’d give it a shot…’

Well, yesterday was that day.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous — 42 degrees and blue skies as far as the eye could see. I set out wearing black fleece pants and paired my camisole and t-shirt with a brand-spanking-new Adidas zip-up I randomly purchased that morning and my go-to knit cap. I dug through my closet and pulled out the Camelbak I won over at Carlos’ blog ‘just in case’ I wanted to try my hand (or foot?) at doubling my mileage. I cleaned and filled my little prize before realizing the damn thing didn’t come with a strap. Now what?! Well, I did what any girl with a few McGuyver episodes under her belt would do:

I made the thing into a backpack using hockey laces and called it good.

I set the trip on my GoWearFit, zipped up my jacket, adjusted my C-bak, hit shuffle on my playlist, and set off into the afternoon with the wind at my back. Or so I thought. The wind was up in my grill during 50% of my route — a route that is predominantly comprised of steady inclines and forgiving declines — especially as I made my way over the Route 16 overpass and into the neighboring city. Wind resistance + incline = running through quick-sand. But I continued on.

While it’s important not to push yourself too hard or try to do too much when it comes to mileage and pace (10% being a ’safe’ weekly increase), I knew I could hack it with the 20+ miles I’ve been consistently jogging each week. I slowed my pace and shortened my stride when I needed to conserve energy and picked up the pace when I was feeling good. I was listening to my body the entire time and even had The Girl on stand-by in case I needed to be ‘rescued’ mid-route.

Being out on the sidewalk alone for over two hours may be a total bore for some, but I was truly in my element. For me, distance running is about being one with your body and being completely self-reliant. For someone who spent the better part of ten years caught in a web of self-destruction, self-deprecation and self-abuse, there’s nothing quite like a long run to really put things into perspective.

Half marathon in May? Hell, let’s do it tomorrow.

The Stats
Miles: 10-10.2
Steps: 20,047
Time: 2:04
Cals: 1175 burned
Aches: None! I feel no different than I would have if I spent my entire day horizontal. Insanity.

Artifacts of a Past Life

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my last blog entry. I don’t quite address the masses as much as some of my fellow bloggers do. Believe me when I say that no word, no syllable, and no second you throw my way goes unread or under appreciated. This community is unlike anything I have ever witnessed and something I am extremely proud and honored to be a part of.

In short: you all kick a lot of ass. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now back to business.

I ate a shit-load of crap again today, but I have not binged. Even though I’ve been on this journey for over a year, I must continue to celebrate each step in the right direction — whether I have taken that step a hundred times or whether I am taking it for the first time. Getting through this day binge-free is a victory worth celebrating. There are going to be setbacks and bumps along this road; that’s life. Shit is going to hit the fan and shit is going to get messy. There are going to be times where these ‘perfect storm’ scenarios creep up and strangle you to death with their grubby little hands. My ‘perfect storm’ scenario involves stress and lots of it.

Although I function ‘well’ under moderate stress, I am known to completely fly off the handle-bars when the going gets super tough (just ask The Girl). If I had to put a number on it, I’d say that I am functioning at 90% capacity about 95% of the time. I should note that reaching 100% capacity packs enough punch to spur an Apocalypse. I wish I was joking. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been functioning at 98% capacity. ‘Functioning’. Much of my recent stress is job-related, but some is personal.

Let’s talk about work.

While I understand that being a graphic designer for a very successful eCom company will never make the ‘World’s Top 1 Trillion Stressful Jobs’ list, it can be a bit much at times. It takes a lot (and I mean a lot) of brain power to conceptualize creative materials and later construct them pixel by pixel day after day, month after month, year after year. Throw inconceivable deadlines and/or rigid marketing guidelines on top of it and you’ve got a recipe for implosion. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I love my profession, but it can be incredibly draining at times. At times.

In addition to me forty-hour work-week, I also freelance up to twenty-hours per week. Since I don’t have a bunch of time I can throw at these project during the week, I often string a few short hours together during the week just to get stuff done. In short: I work from the time I get home (8p) to the time I go to bed (11p). Lather, rinse, repeat.

Anyone who freelances knows one thing: when it rains, it pours. It’s not uncommon to go a week or two without work only to get totally slammed up the a-hole with six or seven projects at once — something that occurred two weeks ago during a hellacious work week. Needless to say, the flood gates had opened and took a dump on my precious stress-free parade in the blink of an eye! Not only did I spend forty hours banging my head against a wall, I freelanced during all of my spare time including Tuesday night when I was up until 1am laying out a wedding album. And binging. Due to the nature of this work, projects often stick around for weeks (or in some cases months) because of the review and revision process that each design undergoes. If I’m feeling totally burnt, a day off the sauce is inevitable. However, a ‘day off’ means I’m working twice as hard the next day just to ‘catch up’ and get things done on time.

It’s an endless cycle.

Here comes the epiphany:

My freelance habits evolved during a time in my life when I felt empty, pathetic, and 100% out of control. Looking back, I used freelance work as a means to ‘fill a hole’ inside of me. It was a hole so deep, so dark, and so painful. It was a hole born out of poor choices and self-abuse. Freelance was a distraction that allowed me to forget about myself and my world and enter an alternate universe full of good deeds and exceeded expectations. Even though I couldn’t bend over to tie my shoe or carry groceries without going into defib, I could whip up an awesome website or logo that made my clients shit their pants with joy. I would literally put my life on hold to get shit done for other people because it provided me with a smidgen of self-worth. Doing these things — no matter how ridiculous or down right offensive they were — made me feel like I was making a positive contribution somewhere for someone even if it meant doing so at my own expense (or the expense of others).

When it came to freelance, it didn’t matter that I was some fat slob sitting behind a computer monitor. I was getting shit done and I was doing it well. Instead of putting all of that time and energy into taking control of my own life, I chose to put it into something else — something fleeting and somewhat frivolous. There were times when I spent every waking moment tied to the computer in a desperate attempt to feel good about myself. This put a lot of strain on my relationship. A lot. But I didn’t care because I was in such a terrible place mentally and emotionally at that time. I was convinced that I was nothing without freelance. Nothing.

In a lot of ways, freelance is an artifact of a life that seems almost alien to me now. Don’t get me wrong, it has provided me with a lot of skill and a lot of experience in a field that I am very passionate about. When it’s not all ‘crazy like’, I really enjoy doing it because it allows me to be more creative and innovative since my 9-5 can be much too rigid for its own good. Still, I think it’s time to scale back the freelance. I think it’s time to limit my availability. I think it’s time to set more realistic boundaries and to release myself from the crutch-aspect once and for all. I mean, freelance is 30% of the reason I am perma-functioning at 90% capacity.

90% is just too unforgiving at this point — not just for me, but for those I love as well.

Stress and Adjustments

Alright, alright. All that shit I said about not caring if the scale doesn’t move is total crap. I care and it’s stressing me out. I’m stressing because as much as I’d like to go home after work every day and suck down a pizza and a pint of ice cream, I’m at the gym hauling ass and working on my running form. And as much as I totally enjoy working out and know how important it is to mirco-manage my every morsel, I’m tired. I’m tired because I’m always doing something. Even when I’m doing nothing, I’m doing something.

And when you do something, it’s only natural to want something in return.

Just ask my ego.

Seeing a new number each week got really comfortable really fast. I’d lace my sneakers up, jog a little, eat well, and come home to a nice number week after week. I haven’t seen a nice number in almost a month. I’ve been bouncing between 167 and 169 for what seems like an eternity. The first week of Operation Increase went well. I saw a 4-lb loss, but since? It’s been downhill and I have somehow convinced myself that I need to eat even more calories to get that scale moving. More, more, more. I’ve eaten so much this week it’s ridiculous. Much of the shit I’ve been stuffing down my pie hole is terribly uncharacteristic as well. Bacon on my chicken wrap? Since when? ‘Throw it on, I could use the extra 90 calories’. I’m still eating the apples and the bananas and the spinach and the foo-foo organic BS, but I’m also eating ridiculous things such as a bacon on my chicken wrap and side of beef jerky during breakfast.

And maybe mini Twix bars.

What on earth possessed me to buy a bag of mini Twix bars at Target last night!? As if that was going to end well with the week I’ve been having. I literally just devoured 8 of them. In a row. After eating a cup of sugar-free vanilla frozen yogurt with grape nuts. And before a 98% fat-free burrito from Trader Joe’s. But after eating a bag of Sour Patch Kids directly after my workout (you know, after the apple).

Does this blog look like it belongs to someone looking to lose those ‘last twenty pounds’ or someone who is looking to enter a diabetic coma? I really need to know. And to make matters worse, I sought advice earlier from a total stranger with a catchy blog title. My world was turned inside-out in under three minutes flat. I couldn’t help but walk away with that Congratulations-on-losing-100-pounds-but-you’re-doing-it-all-wrong vibe.

Cue additional unnecessary stress.

Anyhow. Just thought I’d stop by and bash the keys before nursing my coma on the couch for the next decade. I’m not feeling great about my actions this evening or about my choices within the past two weeks. This entry serves as my ’step back’ and my ‘deep breath’. I refuse to sit here and talk about ‘going off plan’ or name ‘five things I need to do better.’ I’ve made some poor choices, but they’re not going to kill me. Dishonesty? That just might.

Guess I should mention the fact that I cut my workout short this evening as well.

First. Time. Ever.

Cheerio!

(No pun intended.)

Observations

I’m not sure how creepy it is for me to pick up on my co-worker’s eating habits, but I can’t help it. I sit next to these people for eight hours each day and forty hours each week and thrive on pattern recognition! Here’s the skinny on my co-workers’ eating habits:

RoboBoss
- Never snacks
- Lunch is usually a salad from Tossed, bowl of soup, or a burrito from Qdoba
- Participates in work-sponsored Basketball league instead

The Whopper
- Rarely snacks
- Snack may be an apple or very rarely a small bag of chips provided (for free) in snack room
- Lunch is usually a sandwich or a wrap from a nearby restaurant. Once ate a salad — once.
- Activity level unknown, but ditched out of running the Corporate Challenge that same day last June

Chomparella
- Snacks twice daily
- Snacks are usually a handful of crackers or baby carrots (early morning) and an apple (late afternoon)
- Lunch is usually a cup of noodles or a PB&J sandwich
- Activity level unknown, but holds gym membership

The Janice
- Snacks constantly throughout the day
- Snacks are usually granola and/or dry cereal (Chex, Just Bunches, etc.), a banana, 1-2 small bags of chips and/or 2-3 servings of Trader Joe’s Pita puffs
- Lunch varies between Trader Joe’s frozen meals (Indian, Mac & Cheese, etc.), sandwiches, home-cooked left-overs, cup of noodles, or the occasional meal from a nearby restaurant/food court in the mall below
- Activity level: 30 minutes of cardio, 10 mins of core/stretching 2-3x per week during lunch hour

t-Rex
- Rarely snacks
- Snack may be a small bag of chips (baked variety) or a few pieces of Starburst provided in snack room
- Lunch is usually Trader Joe’s enchiladas (frozen), tuna wrap, or falafel wrap from local restaurant with a side of baby carrots
- Activity level: Currently training for Boston Marathon

The Hoff
- Sometimes snacks multiple times throughout day, sometimes doesn’t (most often snacks on Fridays)
- Snacks are usually two toasted Strawberry Pop-Tarts (could be breakfast), bag of chips (usually Goldish) and/or candy (fun-sized Crunch Bar, Skittles, etc) provided in room
- Lunch varies between a bowl of soup, a half-sandwich/soup combo from Au Bon Pain, one slice of pizza (infrequent), or some other food court concoction
- Activity level unknown

Yours Truly
- Snacks mid-morning and pre-workout
- Snacks vary between fruit cup, organic beef jerky, peanut butter filled pretzels, organic oatmeal cookie, a few Sweet Tarts or an organic apple with slice of organic swiss cheese
- Lunch varies between bean & cheese burritos with a side of spinach, ziti with canned chicken with a side of spinach, mac & cheese with canned tuna with a side of vegetable medley, tuna wrap with a side of spinach and serving of chips, organic low-sodium turkey breast with tomatoes, guacamole, and a side of spinach (all compliments of Trader Joe’s), a salad from Tossed, or the occasional meal a nearby restaurant (chicken shawarma, turkey burger, or sushi).
- Activity level: 20-23 miles of jogging, 5 miles of walking, 40-60 minutes of strength training per week

The idea for this post originated from a growling stomach around 10am this morning. I had ‘just’ eaten a mocha Balance Bar (sad substitute for my beloved Chocolate Peanut Mojo Clif Bars), a blueberry Oikos yogurt, and an organic oatmeal cookie (420 total calories) at 8am and was quite surprised by said hunger pangs. I thought, ‘How could I be hungry?! I feel like I’m eating all the damn time…’ Well, it’s true. If I’m spending over 80% of my day at work, surely it makes sense to consume 80% of my calories there. Right?

Who knows.

What I do know is that I wouldn’t be able to squeak by on a Cup-o-Noodles or call it a day after a bowl of chicken soup. By the time I’m done with work, working out, and commuting home with El Wifeo, it’s 8pm. Eating 80% of my calories during my workday day and supplementing with a smaller dinner makes sense for me. Still, it’s surprising how little my co-workers eat — especially t-Rex. She is currently training for the Boston-freaking-Marathon and eats maybe 400 calories total between the hours of 9a-6p. I often wonder if she eats a thirty-course dinner each night to make up for it. I mean, really? 400 calories? Please.

Is this lackluster lunch epidemic a byproduct of being inundated with single-course, pre-packaged meals or are people just not that hungry during the eight or so hours spent sitting behind a desk? Have we as a society lost sight of what it means to enjoy a well-balanced fare during our lunch hour? Or am I totally off-base? Whatever the case may be, it’s interesting to witness how different people interact with food. It’s interesting because my personal relationship with food has been distorted for so long. I don’t judge or scrutinize what others eat, but rather notice these things because I judge and scrutinize what I eat. It’s a mini dietary experiment taking place in my own little Work Ecosystem — an ecosystem where I no longer reign as the Workplace Fatty McButter Pants. Yeee-ah!

The contents of my desk drawer: Veggie crisps, peanut butter filled pretzels, sourdough bread (locally baked), Trader Joe’s canned tuna (lowest sodium around!), Trader Joe’s canned salmon, organic oatmeal cookies, brown sugar (for my squash), cinnamon, paper plates (I refuse to mircowave the work-provided Styrofoam plates), plastic spoons and forks, Stevia (used maybe twice, I prefer real sugar), toothbrush and toothpaste for those ‘after work’ dental visits, and Dayquil.

Not pictured: The Trader Joe’s organic beef jerky I polished off during breakfast yesterday morning.

Game Face, Bro

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 167 lbs
Loss last week: 0
Total Loss: 104 lbs
Thoughts: I may have consumed more calories this week than originally planned (around 8%), but there is no way in hell I ate through my deficits — especially after jogging 23 miles and lifting over 16,000 pounds within the last seven days.

It’s official. I will be switching to bi-weekly (or possibly monthly) weigh-ins once the Biggest Loser competition I’m in ends on March 1st. Weekly weigh-ins were an important part of my weight-loss journey at the beginning, but they have since become a huge pain in my ass. I’ve seen enough goose eggs lately to feed a small country and could really give two shits what the scale reads every week as long as my weight continues to trend downward overall.

The scale is no longer a measurement of progress or success in my eyes. The fact that I busted out 7.1 miles on Saturday in 25-degree weather? Now that is what I call progress. The fact that I’m comfortably wearing a size 12 jean? That is what I call progress. The fact that I can fit in a standard-sized chair? That is what I call progress. The fact that I actually care about myself? That is what I call progress. I’m sick of questioning myself every time I get off that scale — especially when I have no desire to get on it in the first place.

‘Why haven’t I lost weight this week? I’ve burned enough calories for a 2-lb loss!’

‘How the hell am I up a pound? There is no way in hell I consumed a surplus of 3,500 calories!’

‘How the fuck did I lose 4 pounds this week? I didn’t do anything different!’

My mission from the beginning has been simple: get healthy. Weighing myself every week and racking my brain over why I may or may not have lost weight is not healthy. Going in circles with myself over whether I am eating ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ is not healthy. Eating aimlessly to hit calorie goals because they may or may not help me ‘lose more weight’ is not healthy. Actually, it’s borderline absurd and it’s really starting to affect my eating habits.

When it comes down to it, I consistently fall within 10% of my calorie goals each week. I eat well balanced, organic meals 90% of the time. I enjoy fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and whole grains, but also allow myself to indulge in comfort foods (pizza, mac and cheese, dark chocolate, etc) in moderation. I’m all over my workout schedule like white on rice. I consistently push myself and make zero excuses when it comes time to hit the treadmill or lift those weights. I may have a busy schedule, but I always make time for myself and my workouts.

I do these things because I care about and respect my body. I do these things because they are part of a healthy lifestyle — a lifestyle I am committed to living. I’ll be damned if I let the Naked Scale Dance throw me off my game! The truth of the matter is simple: I will lose the weight. It’s just a question of how and when. Do I want to spend the next few months calculating my every move and forcing morsel or do I want to spend it eating intuitively and logging miles because it has become a true passion of mine?

Sounds like an easy decision to me.

Ain’t No Biz Like Show Biz

I’d absolutely love to sit in one place long enough to pour my scrambled thoughts onto paper, but with the workout shedule and the clinically insane amount of freelance and the picking up of slack at my 9a-5p thanks to a coworker who takes three consecuative days off with a case of the sniffles and the devouring of a 3/4 of a box of chocolate Cheerios in less than fifteen minutes and the sucking down of organic peanut butter cups immediately after and the Moulin Rouge sing-a-long I’m heading to in twenty minutes I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I’VE BEEN BUSY.

I should have a few minutes to spare tomorrow since we’re out of Cheerios. And peanut butter cups.

That is all.

Prevention > Regret

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 167 lbs
Loss over the past two weeks: -2
Total Loss: 104 lbs

I’ve eaten enough pizza in the last two days to feed a small country. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. Between my mother’s birthday gathering last night and left overs for breakfast, I’ve eaten a total of seven slices in less than twenty-four hours. I must be stopped.

I killed three slices of cheese and onion pizza in no time and considered eating more, but was able to put the breaks on before causing a caloric catastrophe during my mother’s birthday gathering. I even debated swapping my slice of chocolate cake for another slice of pizza, but opted to indulge in the sweet stuff instead. My mother cut the 7″ cake into six slices — one for each of us — but The Girl and I split my slice down the middle rather than tackling our respective wedges. It was a choice that saved my calorie goal from imploding before 6pm, but I ultimately pushed my budget over the edge with one very delicious and very ripe banana in the midst of piecing six dining room chairs together between the hours of 9p-11p. I was hungry. And when I’m hungry, I eat. However, I would have been in better shape if I didn’t consume 1,131 calories in one sitting before nightfall.

Ah well. It’s just one day right?

Wrong.

Since I did so well making poor choices yesterday, I figured I’d come out of the gate this morning doing much of the same. After all, there’s only one thing in all of creation that happens to be better than pizza for dinner and that’s pizza for breakfast. By the time 8a rolled around, I was 987 calories into my 1700-calorie allotment after pairing my triple-threat with a cup of hot chocolate and a side of ketchup (don’t ask).

As if that wasn’t enough, I one-upped myself with an equally poor choice of triangular proportions by digging into another slice for lunch. By the time dinner rolled around, I was seriously strapped for cals. I prepared a super delicious and incredibly low calorie meal consisting of two cups of frozen organic spinach, 18 medium-sized shrimp, six tablespoons of low-sodium chipotle salsa (only 10 cals and 35 mg of sodium for 2 tbsp), and a 1/2 cup of organic pinto beans for just 260 calories. (!!) I was poised to end my evening forty calories under my goal when I made the unfortunate but very conscience decision to hit up a Skinny Cow Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream sandwich.

Or two. Yep. I ate two mother fucking Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches (that were originally purchased on a whim while in the frozen food section looking for ice to make vegan protein shakes knowing full well that they are laden with HFCS) after being so close to escaping another day of overages. It’s one thing to blow your calorie goals as a result of hunger, but quite another to blow them with a mini binge. I thought about eliminating my caloric surge through exercise, but immediately ditched the idea in favor of a healthy day of rest following my Saturday 10K and a week of taking names at Fitcorp. Besides, frantically and obsessively trying to erase a bad choice through regret can’t be healthy. Prevention seems like a much better option.

I may be Skinny Cow-free thanks to a dunk in the litter box, but I need continue my quest to minimizing triggers that have proven to be lethal when combined. Triggers include: getting behind on freelance work (check), setting myself up for disaster by ripping through more than half of my calorie budget in a single meal (check), and drinking caffeinated coffee (check).

Damn you, perfect storm.

Current Playlist

When it comes to workout music, I tend to err on the high energy/good beat side, but as you can see, that’s not always the case (Party in the USA much?). I’m a sucker for my favorites, but I’m always looking for new songs to add. Got suggestions? Leave ‘em here!

Top 5
1. Feel it in My Bones (DJ Tiesto ft Tegan & Sara)
2. Lose It (Eminem)
3. Crazy Possessive (Kaci Battaglia)
4. Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)
5. For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic (Paramore)

These songs just never get old.

Also, if you’re in the market for an extra heart-pumping all-in-one workout mix, please allow me to point you in the direction of one of the best workout mixes I have heard to date.

Note: If you’re accessing this blog post via Google Reader, the flash player above is not displaying within the body of the post.

Choosing Your Battles

New obsession: Fat free no sugar added frozen yogurt with Grape Nuts

I don’t do a lot of  ‘diet foods’ (fat-free, sugar-free, reduced fat, etc), but sometimes you’ve just got to compromise! When my friend Chris and I decided to have ice cream delivered last Sunday, I immediately knew what I wanted: vanilla frozen yogurt with a topping of my choice infused throughout its gooey goodness. My initial idea was to go with vanilla fro-yo drenched in pineapple topping, but I was running low on calories and figured pineapple topping wouldn’t be the greatest choice (think: 98% sugar, 2% pineapple = high in calories). I couldn’t find decent/reputable information for its nutritional breakdown so I decided to opt for a topping that would be easier for me to gauge.

Enter Grape Nuts.

I had absolutely no problem finding the nutritional facts which was great, but crappy at the same time. Why crappy? Because 1/2 cup of Grape Nuts contains an astounding 200 calories! It also contains 7 grams of fiber and 6 grams of protein, but 200 calories is a lot to blow on a topping (especially since two Reese peanut butter cups = 210 cals). Even with its higher than legally sane caloric value, I felt that it was the best bang for my nutritional buck since I knew I could cut calories on the ice-cream side of the equation.

Enter fat free no sugar added vanilla frozen yogurt.

Rather than investing 120 calories per half cup for the regular stuff, the low fat no sugar added version contains just 70 calories per half cup. For just 20 calories more, I could enjoy twice the amount. I was sold! All together, this sweet and crunchy concoction checked in at 340 calories — not too shabby for 1.5 cups of a delightful dessert packed with 7 grams of fiber and 14 grams of protein. Also, the delicioso factor was phenomenal. I honestly thought the ice cream place made a mistake and used the regular stuff because it didn’t taste like aspar-vomit at all. I was quite pleased!

Enter The Girl and I stopping by for a heaping helping last night before kicking off Date Night.

Yum.

The above is a good example where quantity came out on top, but there are times when quality reigns supreme. For example, I’ve been snacking a slice of Swiss cheese + medium organic apple before heading to the gym lately. It’s a great tasting way to get in a serving of fruits while keeping it a little interesting with the sharpness of the cheese. I normally opt for a lower-fat Swiss (which undermines my earlier statement re: steering clear of low-fat stuff…) simply because of its high saturated fat content. Unfortunately, Shaw’s doesn’t carry a large variety of organic cheeses so my choices were 1. cheese derived from cows being pumped full of growth hormones and antibiotics with half the calories and half the fat or 2. cheese derived from cows not treated with hormones or antibiotics with twice the fat and twice the calories.

I chose organic.

Frankly, You Suck

Dear Frank’s Hot Sauce,

How dare you taste so good yet be so high in sodium! I was shocked and horrified when I turned your bottle over last night before dousing my chicken and tomato wrap with your sweet, sweet amrita only to find that you contain 200 mgs of sodium per teaspoon. Considering the fact that I’m currently emptying a bottle of your luscious redness on a weekly basis, I have to ask: are you trying to kill me?

And to think, I thought my beef jerky habit was unhealthy! I could eat a three course meal of that shit and not even come close to your sodium content. I’m sure you found great pleasure in watching me sweat The Jerky while giving it to me in the backside without my knowledge.

I thought we were friends!!

Eternally disgusted,
Rachel

To Do: Live in the Moment

As I continue on my journey ‘full steam ahead’, it has become obvious that I don’t reflect as much as I’d like to. For example, I could write a dissertation on what it means to be wearing size 12 jeans at this very moment. I could write about what that number symbolizes rather than simply crossing that milestone off my ‘to do’ list. I could write about how I completely surrendered to the idea of being destined to live a miserable life trapped inside a body I loathed for the better part of eight years. I could write about how I truly believed that I would never again fit into the world I once knew.

Perhaps it’s time to soak in my surroundings and really start to live this life that I have worked so hard to regain and reflect on the life that I’m leaving behind rather than blindly steamrolling from milestone to milestone.

Or should I say milestone to headstone?

Work Hard, Play Hard

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 168 lbs
Loss last week: ?
Total Loss: ?
Thoughts: Too busy having a blast!

Weekend Review

Thursday

- Cooked under florescent lights while putting in a good eight hours of work
- Hit the gym for a 5K and weight training before arriving fashionably late to a work-related marathon fundraiser
- Ate two oatmeal chocolate chip organic cookies for dinner before said event due to poor lunchtime decisions
- Successfully slayed the Free Appetizers and Pizza Dragon upon entering venue with a single blow
- Unsuccessfully upheld two vodka soda maximum and instead obliterated calorie goal by 450 units
- Socialized like someone with actual social skills and loved every minute of it (!!)

Friday
- Woke up intoxicated from previous night’s escapades
- Dressed slowly and carefully to avoid falling over and knocking self out cold on corner of dresser
- Somehow managed to complete a crap load of work teetering between nausea and poopy alcohol belly
- Sobered up in time for a brutal but essential sixty minutes on the treadmill
- Survived commute home and kissed hallway floor upon arrival
- Enjoyed an evening of Super Mario Bros. with Chris before crashing and burning around 1am

Saturday
- Woke up far too early for own good
- Watched an episode of Project Runway before heading to Costco with The Girl to get tire repaired
- Offset a two-hour wait time with good choices at Panera Bread and retail therapy at Old Navy
- Successfully fit into size 12 jeans (yowza!) and mourned the loss of another cup size (fucker!)
- Eventually made it home only to immediately change into workout clothes and head to gym
- Completed 10K with flying colors
- Returned home, showered, whipped up a delish dindin, and headed north for a birthday gathering with friends
- Mingled with the vodka yet again, but did not get plastered (whew!)
- Finally fell asleep at 5am

Sunday
- Woke up at 9a and enjoyed a terribly yummy egg white and cheese sammy at an amazing small-town eatery
- Returned home and tended to some freelance
- Quickly grew tired of freelancing and decided to invite Chris over for additional Super Mario Bros. game play
- Ordered low-fat sugar-free vanilla frozen yogurt with Grape Nuts and swooned when it arrived at front door
- Copped out on blog entry due to being too tired to form complete sentences

1. Sporting those size 12’s!
2. Quick and yummy meal consisting of spinach, pinto beans, chipotle salsa, and shrimp

Clean Socks

I had a dream last night that I was at some multipurpose Panera Bread/Laundomat deal with The Girl. She was doing laundry and I was ordering something to snack on — a vanilla soft serve cone with Oreo topping for her (even though she hates Oreos) and something for myself. I can’t recall what I attempted to order, but whatever it was, they didn’t have any left. I opted for nothing, but changed my mind at the last second and decided to get a soft serve vanilla cone as well (sans Oreos).

The lady hands me a Root Beer float.

‘Excuse me. I ordered a vanilla soft serve cone, not a Root Beer float…’

‘Oh.’

Even though she was visibly annoyed, she went back to the drawing board, made me a cone, and set it on the counter while I dug through my coat looking for some spare change. When I looked up, the cone was gone.

‘Where is my cone?!’

‘That guy over there took it…’

‘Okay, well, I’d still like my cone.’

‘Sorry, I can’t do that.’

‘What? I ordered and paid for a cone. I want my cone.’

‘I’m sorry miss, but it’s out of my hands. That gentleman over there took it and there is nothing I can do.’

‘I WANT MY GOD DAMN VANILLA SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM CONE AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!’

All of the sudden, I became consumed with rage. Seriously. I was tipping the scales toward homicidal over some ice cream cone I ordered at the last possible minute and that I didn’t even really want.

‘LISTEN. I WANT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE. I DON’T CARE IF I PAID TEN CENTS OR TEN DOLLARS FOR IT. I PAID FOR IT. YOU OWE ME IT. NOW HAND IT OVER!!!!’

As I screamed on for what seemed like an eternity over the loss of my cone, I thought to myself, ‘Thank God I’m not huge anymore. Otherwise, I would look like some crazy lunatic looking for my fatty fix when really… it’s the principle!’

After ten minutes of delivering verbal abuse to the masses, The Girl and I ran outside and made it to our car just as people began pouring out of the building with tubs of ice cream in tow. Next thing I knew, our car was being assaulted with chunks of the creamy stuff.

This infuriated me.

‘They couldn’t bare to spare an extra glob of soft serve, but it’s perfectly sensible for them to chuck chunks of ice cream across the parking lot at us? WHAT THE EFFING EFF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!’

As The Girl peeled away from the scene, I sunk into the passenger seat and started to regain my composure. We drove into the sunset for a few minutes before pulling up to our final destination: THE SAME DAMN PANERA/LAUNDROMAT!

‘Um, why did you bring us here?’ I asked The Girl.

‘Because I need clean socks!’

Really?

Options = Headache

I am now the proud member of two (yes, two) gyms. Why the dual membership? I no longer have access to a gym directly from work because Janice has decided to cancel her FitCorp/Sheraton combo since 1. she no longer swims during her lunch break and thus, no longer needs access and 2. they keep deactivating her pass at the beginning of every month. She is usually able to track down a working card within a few days, but this month has been atrocious. They finally gave her a card on Monday — just one week before the end of January. Who does that?!

Needless to say, she’s had enough and I can’t blame her. $30 is a lot to pay (on top of her FitCorp membership) for access to a pool she never uses and a headache that seems to be getting worse with every passing month. Plus, out of the five people in our department who committed to using and subsidizing her Sheraton pass, I was the only person who actually paid my $5 every month. Pretty crappy.

Wait. If Janice’s pass hasn’t been working, where have you been working out after work?

Good question. Any time Janice’s pass died, I headed over to the Sheraton and stood by the door until someone let me in. It was pretty shady, but it wasn’t a big deal since it wasn’t an every day thing. Until this month! When it became an every day thing! Yep. I’ve been going down to the Sheraton after work every day and standing by the door until someone let me in (usually within 5-15 minutes). I’ve been able to justify doing such a ridiculous thing because I really dig my schedule and I was paying (in some capacity) to use the facilities.

It was fun while it lasted (especially since I was often the only person in the fitness room — something totally unheard at any neighborhood gym), but I’m OK with paying another $39/mo on top of the $10/mo I currently dish out to Planet Fitness for access to a gym I can use during/after work. My only worry is not being able to secure a treadmill due to the ‘after work’ crowd. I might head out of the office a few minutes before 5pm to get a head start on those bitches. If crowding becomes an issue, I will be forced to consider my other options:

- Hit Planet Fitness before work. In order to do this, I would have to be at the gym for 5:15a and be home by 6:30a to give myself enough time to get ready, walk to the train station/ride the train/walk to work for 8a. I’m 99% sure I’d be a zombie by the time noon rolled around and 100% sure I’d be comatose once 5pm hit.

- Change my work hours from 8a-5p to 9a-6p so that I can get in an extra hour of sleep before hitting Planet Fitness before work. Instead of being at the gym for 5:15a, I would need to be there for 6:15a and so on.

- Go home directly after work and battle the after work crowd at Planet Fitness. Seems pointless when I can just battle the same damn crowd at FitCorp, meet The Girl afterward/after she gets off work, and ride the train home together.

- Hit Planet Fitness from 8p-9p just after the crowd has gone home to enjoy the rest of their evening. This used to be my ‘normal schedule’, but I switched things up a while ago to be more accessible during the week/evenings. Switching back to this schedule would be a desperate ‘last resort’ scenario.

I will be finishing the week out at the Sheraton and then it’s off to FitCorp!

Until the weather gets better.

Then I might start training outside.

Oh, options. You make my brain hurt.

Getting My Bearings

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 271 lbs
Current weight: 168 lbs
Loss last week: -4 lbs
Total Loss: 103 lbs
Thoughts: Operation Increase = promising!

The Bod Pod

3…2…1….BLAST OFF! That’s the first thing that came to mind yesterday as The Girl, Cassie, and I all stepped up to the Bod Pod to have our body composition tested. It looked like something straight out of a science fiction movie and was pretty neat in general. After weighing in on a scale hooked up to a computer running what looked like MS-DOS (really?), I jumped into the Pod and was immediately assaulted with a series of pressure changes for a total of ninety seconds. And that was about it. It was — by far — the quickest $30 I’ve ever spent. It was worth every penny. My results:

Fat Weight: 46.5 lbs
Lean Weight: 121 lbs
Total Weight: 167.5 lbs
Percent Fat: 27.8%
Percent Lean: 72.2%

What do these numbers mean?

- My body is comprised of 46.5 lbs of fat and 121 lbs of bones, muscle, skin, and organs.
- My body fat percentage is considered ‘acceptable’ according to the American Council of Exercise.
- My suspicions have been confirmed. I am, in-fact, a Mini Rambo in Disguise.

Sort of.

Does my lean body weight mean I am totally ripped with muscle? If you’ve seen me trying to do shoulder presses, you’d know just how ridiculous this assumption is. I will be the first person to admit that I don’t do much strength training for two reasons: 1. it bores the hell out of me and 2. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I think it’s safe to say that much of my lean body weight has to do with sporting a higher bone density and a larger frame and less to do with muscle mass.

To be honest, I have always felt that I weighed much more than I actually looked — especially when I was a young athlete playing a butt-load of sports. I spent much of my middle school and high school years feeling extremely self-conscious about my weight because I weighed as much as thirty pounds more than my friends. Even though I was built like a brick shit house, I hated myself, my body, and the number on that scale. Oh, what a young, uneducated, and tortured soul I was.

Was?

I’m pretty sure I fell into this category last week when I was bitching about Cassie’s incredible weight-loss numbers. If these test results don’t completely extinguish the urge to compare myself to others then nothing will. Her weight-loss numbers, calorie goals, and goal weight will and should differ from mine because our bodies are different — just like my weight-loss numbers, calorie goals, and goal weight may differ from yours. It seems like a logical concept that should come easily, but to be honest, it’s way too convenient to look at what other people are doing in similar situations, make sweeping generalizations, and then try to apply their results and/or methods to your situation without considering the myriad of variables hidden beneath it all. I don’t know how many times I need to remind myself, but I’ll do it again: the road to weight loss is a deeply personal and deeply individualized journey.

‘Tunnel vision’ is a side-effect most of us will experience at some point thanks to the many misconceptions, misinformation, and plethora of stigmata surrounding weight-loss. I am no different. Did you know that the ‘ideal body weight’ for someone of my gender and height is 118-120 pounds? These ‘one size fits all’ ideals crafted by a bunch of suits and medical persona can wreck some serious havoc on the psyche of individuals that fall just outside of the ‘norm’. It would be totally impossible for me to hit that number without killing myself in the process, yet, I allowed that number to slowly pop up on my radar. With the help of the Bod Pod, I am confident that my ‘Final Resting Range’ of 145-150lbs is a healthy goal for me. I can finally loosen my asshole a bit and take a chill pill now that I have a better understanding of what lies beneath.

And that’s what I plan to do.

In terms of moving forward, I’d like to get my body fat percentage down to 18-20% which will likely happen naturally as I begin to train for my half marathon next month. Since I almost failed Algebra II as a senior in high school (after failing as a junior) and barely passed Dip-Shit Math in college, I had The Girl run some numbers to figure out how much body fat I need to lose in order to hit that 18% goal. The result? In order to hit 18%, I will need to lose 20 more pounds of body fat. That sounds pretty straight forward, but I’m not sure how measurable my progress will be since the scale cannot distinguish between fat loss/muscle gain.

At this point, it’s safe to say that I’m fine with a little mystery.

Perfect 10 Update

Skate More – FAIL. I did not skate again last week (or today!). I did, however, beg my sister via text to set aside some time in her busy schedule to hit some Stick Practice in the near future. Hopefully it’ll come through.

Lose More Weight – WIN. I think it’s safe to say that part of this week’s big loss was residual (aka highly unlikely that I created a 14,000 calorie deficit over the last seven days), but hey, a loss is a loss!

Cook More – WIN. I’ve been easing into the cooking scene thanks to Operation Increase. Instead of microwaved burritos and tuna wraps for lunch, I’ve been creating some interesting concoctions. My favorite meal thus far was created by mixing 1.5 cups of Trader Joe’s Mac & Cheese, 2 cups of Trader Joe’s Organic Vegetable Medley, and 4 ounces of Trader Joe’s tuna. OK, I cooked the whole thing in the microwave, but it was delicious and seriously out of my Lunchfort Zone.

Draw More – As soon as I am done this blog entry (and play some Super Mario Bros. with Chris), I am drawing. Mark my words!

Keep Running – I was back on the treadmill Wednesday after giving my knees some much needed R&R last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I kept the workout light on Monday by completing a quick 5K at home on the elliptical. I stuck to my schedule Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and enjoyed a nice 6.6-mile jog around the neighborhood yesterday. My knees were a bit creaky this morning, but not enough to throw up a red flag.

Something You May Not Know About Me – I pick my nose. Daily. And maybe even hourly.

1. The Girl about to take the Pod for a spin
2. The Girl trying to keep a straight face when I got paparazzi on her ass
3. Me wearing nothing but a bra, biking shorts, a stone cold expression

Operation Increase

Today is day three of Operation Increase and I’m enjoying every minute of it. I’m eating a ton more veggies, a ton more fruit, and! I even added a slice of yummy aged Swiss to my sandwich on Wednesday. I can’t even remember the last time I enjoyed a sandwich with cheese. Such blasphemy fell out of practice when I started to use those precious calories toward a quick snack before and/or after my workouts. Now? I can do both!

Will the scale be kind to me on Sunday?

It’s anyone’s guess, really.

Either way, I am committed to testing the waters for at least 2-3 weeks before reassessing. If I gain weight? I’ll take it off. If I lose weight? I’ll stay the course. Until I find out whre I stand, I’m adding this Holy Cheese to everything!

Calories

It has been decided.

I am going to increase my calories. This seems totally counter-productive and counter-intuitive, but I am open to trying it for 2-3 weeks and reassessing once I have some data to consider. According to my BodyMedia Fit (aka GoWear Fit), I burned an average of 2810 calories per day in December (includes exercise) and consumed an average of 1653 calories per day (or 1818 calories with a 10% buffer) which comes out to be a 2-lb+ loss per week.

Uh, that didn’t happen.

I understand that our bodies cannot be expected to perform exactly ‘by the book’ and produce results according to some mathematical equation. I am OK with that. Really, I am. When it comes down to it, I will continue to exercise and continue to make good food choices because doing so has improved my quality of life beyond measure. Nothing can change that and nothing will. At the same time, I am extremely interested in the ‘numbers’ side of weight-loss. After in ‘calories in versus calories out’, right?

Now that I am edging closer to my ‘Final Resting Range’, I may want to reconsider my approach to weight-loss mainly because that 100-Pound Jackpot of stored energy no longer exists. When my body is running low and looking for an energy supply, it’s simply not going to find one. Instead, I need to provide my body with a constant flow of usable energy by eating enough calories per day. Am I currently eating enough calories? I thought so until I looked at the numbers.

Did you know that I burned (on average) 200-500 calories more per day during the months of November and December compared to July, August, September, and October even though I weighed (as much as) 36 pounds more back then?

Talk about counter-intuitive!

While I haven’t increased the duration of my workouts, I have increased the intensity and am much more active in general now that I am more agile and able. I’ve also probably acquired some decent muscle mass over the past year even though I am still considered ‘obese’ in the eyes of every single on-line BMI calculator. Yes, I am 5′2″ and 171lbs, but how much of that is extra/excess skin? How much is skeletal? How much is muscle?

I want to know.

And that’s why I am currently working with the Athletic Director over at Merrimack College (about 20 min north) to set up Bod Pod screenings for myself, my mother, and Cassie. Am I still a Fatty McButterson or a have I transformed into a Mini Rambo in Disguise? Either way, I am looking forward to stepping into one of the coolest body composition products on the market!

Until then, more calories it is.

Side (but Important!) Note: I don’t normally address the masses, but I need to thank everyone who took the time to leave a comment on my previous blog entry. I thought for sure I would be skinned and burned alive at the stake for crapping my pants over someone else’s success, but to my surprise, I was greeted with much love, support, and above all lots of humor!

Boston’s Other Green Monster

I must confess. I have been swallowed by a sea of envy for the past few weeks and am now just starting to doggy paddle my way to shore. The culprit? My super-awesome weight-loss machine of a friend Cassie. The pounds are literally melting off this girl at an accelerated pace and I cannot deny my jealousy any longer. Despite undergoing gallbladder surgery a few weeks ago, she continues to post losses week after week – including a three-pound loss this past week. She has consistently put my weight-loss numbers to shame every week since beginning her own weight-loss journey at the end of June. To date, she has lost an astonishing 91 pounds.

In just seven months.

While I understand how completely ridiculous it is to compare myself and my efforts to others, I can’t help it — especially when she is surpassing me in every measurable form known to man! Posting shitty inconsistent numbers more often than not is seriously beginning to weigh on me (no pun intended). I really need to get to the bottom of why my numbers are so inconsistent despite my consistency. Am I over-eating? Am I under-eating?

WTFBMRBBQ?

I also made the mistake of agreeing to participate in a small ‘Biggest Loser’ competition Cassie is organizing for some of her family and friends. Instead of the contest providing (what I thought would be) supplementary motivation, it’s stressing me the fuck out and compounding this ludicrous comparison issue like whoa. I probably should have declined the invitation to participate knowing how incredibly competitive I can be, but no.

That would just make too much sense.

Instead of being there for my friend after surgery and cheering her on as she reaches new milestones in her journey, I’ve been sitting here sticking pins into her proverbial voodoo doll. Catching wind of her three-pound loss sent me over the edge yesterday. Enough was enough! I finally told Cassie that even though I was happy for her deep down inside (somewhere? anywhere?), I really just wanted to stab her.

Thankfully, she understood.

Side note: The fact that I have lost 100-ish pounds has not alluded me. Sometimes, you just need to act like an ungrateful two year old before you can truly revel in your accomplishments and reasses your plan before moving forward.